The Young Lady's Own Magazine; Spring Edition, 1819

A rare foray into the world of fiction; this was written for a competition of some kind which it did not win. It's a culmination of a few of my favourite things:

Oftentimes, the average young lady feels frustrated at the lack of eligible gentlemen to be found within the confines of her social group. Indeed, in these times of turmoil and unrest, most young men with any moral character tend to go off to war, to fight for Greek independence from the Ottoman or other such nonsense.

What the average young lady then finds is that when she is presented with potential suitors, they are all woefully inadequate, with a manner quite coarse and a temperament more suited to the pub than the parlour.

With this in mind, the writers of 'The Young Lady's Own' have been inspired to devise a way around this problem so prevalent in our readership. Under the guidance of a lady novelist to whom this edition is dedicated, we are proud to give you an easy, ethical, and above all affordable way to make your own husband.

As with any recipe, to make a husband one must first have al the proper materials, the most obvious of which is a proper container for his soul. In this, the lady will require all her gardening tools, and maybe a shovel on loan from the stable boy.

Keep in mind that all corpses reanimate are blessed with the gift of a blank mind; a tabula rasa as our friend John Locke would put it. It does not matter whether your selected husband was a luminous intellect or a vicious murderer; ultimately, the future wife will be the one to set down the groundwork for his formative experiences. So do not be too discriminatory. Most women, especially those whose sewing skills are lacking, may find it a necessity to instead focus on the state of the body.

Once the container has been selected, we ask you to recall the articles on Galvanization and electricity in past issues. First-time subscribers may have difficulty obtaining said articles, but of course the lady's strongest virtues are charity and understanding. Do not be afraid to ask around for back issues.

We are more or less convinced that the least difficult step for our readers will be raising their homemade husband to be proper. Our consulting lady novelist assures us that a literary diet of Milton and Shakespeare, as well as the odd soothing melody from the Spanish guitar, are the only things required to civilize your creation.

However, above all things the young lady must show her homemade husband love. He will be at first self-conscious about the inevitable scarring and will no doubt have some melancholy when contemplating his place in the world and your role as Creator.

Possess and display all the graces a proper young lady should be abundant in; compassion, patience, love, and duty. Soon, not only will he become accustomed to the novelty of his own existence, but the qualities you show him will multiply ten-fold when reciprocated. It is 'The Young Lady's Own' guarantee that you will be all but drowned in the ocean of letters he will write you when you are away!

Disclaimer on Page Forty-Four.

No comments:

Post a Comment